Unexpected Loss

All those years in school, no one really prepares you for what it’s going to be like when you have your heart broken. And I don’t mean 16 year old, “I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months,” kind of heartbreak. I mean the kind that leaves a profound impact on your soul. A mark that will never quite go away.

Now, my relationship wasn’t perfect. I don’t actually know why that word exists; nothing is perfect. But it was real. It was best friends who had fallen in love. It was trust, understanding, respect, support, and unconditional love… Or so I’d thought.

You never really see it coming. That humiliation you feel when the things you thought were what made your relationship indestructible, were all in your head. That utter disappointment in the person you had so carefully trusted with your heart. That rejection.

The blow to your self esteem hits the hardest. Knowing that your life situation, your very being, doesn’t tick all the boxes for that person. Knowing that the unconditional love and support you so consistently offered… Simply wasn’t enough.

It leaves you thinking… What else is there? If I gave my everything and it wasn’t enough… What then?

Unloveable. Pathetic. Those are the feelings that crush the soul and leave an inexplicable darkness in your heart that was never there before. Even through all the trials you’d overcome in life, this hits home the hardest. And now you’re trapped behind a facade of strength and rationality, all the while feeling utterly broken intside.

The worst part – you can’t even hate them. They’re not actually a bad person, they simply didn’t want you. But there are three words you can’t seem to vocalise to anyone, because the humiliation and loss is too raw.

“I miss him.” Pure. Simple. Gut wrenching. Three words that wake you up at night with a physical ache. Three words that make you want to lash out and tear your room apart.

I do. I miss him. And no one, nothing, could have prepared me for that.

Puppy Love

This one hurts to write. As I sit here in the sunny (vaguely windy) Fiji, I find my mind constantly wandering back to this one consuming thought… When we return home, our beloved Husky will have to be put to rest.

On our first day in Fiji we learnt that she had a malignant tumor growing, the kind that even treatment can’t help. She’s only 6 years old.

This breaks my heart for many reasons. The main one being that I have never met such a beautiful soul before. She found a place in my heart the moment I met her. But also for another reason… She has been my constant comfort and companion through all my battles with my health.

So many Saturday night’s in I’ve spent with her snuggled up to me, because I’m simply too unwell to go anywhere. I’d feel lonely and guilty for not being able to go out with my friends or boyfriend – not being able to party like I used to love. But there was one comfort… I wasn’t alone, not while I had her asleep beside me.

The sad fact is, loneliness is a huge factor in illness – mental and physical illness alike. It’s a very personal battle that no one else can relate to, because all our battles are different. But I always found one light in that darkness, and that was Tikaani. When I was sick or in pain (which, let’s face it, is daily) she was there right by my side. I know some people don’t think dogs can sense those things, but she sure could.

I vividly remember her walking slowly and gently beside me as I trudged up the stairs after an Endometriosis surgery, and how she carefully laid down next to me on the bed, careful not to touch me. Or when muscle aches in my legs were so bad one night that I couldn’t lay still, she laid on my legs which miraculously helped the pain and I fell back asleep shortly after. That one moment convinced me to invest in a weighted blanket* which has been amazing in preventing that pain and restlessness getting too bad at night.

What will I do without that? It really is a scary thought. One I’m struggling to think about. The comfort pets can bring people with chronic physical and mental illness has suddenly become very clear to me. Something I didn’t quite appreciate sooner. That loss will be absolutely profound.

Even as I sit here typing this, I still find myself unable to fully comprehend this fact, and I strongly feel for all those who have had to suffer similar situations. I would like to show appreciation for all those beautiful animals that give love and comfort in times of pain and illness, and who never fail to be by our side when needed.

Here’s to Tikaani – the beautiful, kind, and loving soul I was lucky to have in my life for what felt like the briefest of moments ❤

*Note – I strongly recommend weighted blankets for chronic pain and restless leg syndrome, even insomnia. Happy to recommend a certain type or answer any questions. Simply contact me at contactlaura@laurainreallife.blog.