Unexpected Loss

All those years in school, no one really prepares you for what it’s going to be like when you have your heart broken. And I don’t mean 16 year old, “I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months,” kind of heartbreak. I mean the kind that leaves a profound impact on your soul. A mark that will never quite go away.

Now, my relationship wasn’t perfect. I don’t actually know why that word exists; nothing is perfect. But it was real. It was best friends who had fallen in love. It was trust, understanding, respect, support, and unconditional love… Or so I’d thought.

You never really see it coming. That humiliation you feel when the things you thought were what made your relationship indestructible, were all in your head. That utter disappointment in the person you had so carefully trusted with your heart. That rejection.

The blow to your self esteem hits the hardest. Knowing that your life situation, your very being, doesn’t tick all the boxes for that person. Knowing that the unconditional love and support you so consistently offered… Simply wasn’t enough.

It leaves you thinking… What else is there? If I gave my everything and it wasn’t enough… What then?

Unloveable. Pathetic. Those are the feelings that crush the soul and leave an inexplicable darkness in your heart that was never there before. Even through all the trials you’d overcome in life, this hits home the hardest. And now you’re trapped behind a facade of strength and rationality, all the while feeling utterly broken intside.

The worst part – you can’t even hate them. They’re not actually a bad person, they simply didn’t want you. But there are three words you can’t seem to vocalise to anyone, because the humiliation and loss is too raw.

“I miss him.” Pure. Simple. Gut wrenching. Three words that wake you up at night with a physical ache. Three words that make you want to lash out and tear your room apart.

I do. I miss him. And no one, nothing, could have prepared me for that.

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