I’ve been putting off writing this one. Partly because it’s one of those pivotal moments in life… The moments that you only get a few of, the kind that changes you in literally the most profound way. That’s pretty darn personal! But also because it paints my boyfriend, Aiden, in a negative way. Though let’s be real for a second, he was definitely acting like an ass on this particular day! (Sorry Aiden)
I’ll start with this, before any judgments are made. For months leading up to this event, Aiden had been working insane hours. I mean 7am – 1am kind of hours. He had also experienced the loss of his grandfather. He was stressed, he was exhausted, and what he really needed was a day to just wind down and forget everything else. I, unavoidably and not by choice, almost took that day from him.
It was Anzac Day last year. We both had separate plans. Mine were to catch up with a friend I’d lost touch with, his were to go to the local pub with his best friend, eat, drink, and just relax.
My body had other plans.
We woke up early to take our husky for our usual morning walk. But a few minutes into that walk, I experienced sudden crushing head and chest pain, trouble breathing and debilitating fatigue. In Aiden’s defense I should point out that I am no stranger to pain or illness, so masking it has become quite easy for me, especially when I’m scared. And man, was I scared! However, I think my struggle was still somewhat obvious. Especially when I called a nurses hotline when we arrived home to find out the best course of action. That’s not something I do on any given day for no reason at all, so really should have tipped him off!
I stood on his balcony while he played a game on his phone, and I spoke to a nurse about my symptoms. I explained that I had been experiencing hypertension for the last few months, and then explained what I was feeling right in that moment. She calmly explained to me that I needed to go straight to the nearest emergency department, and that if I had no one to take me, she would organise an ambulance. I cried while talking to her, I very rarely cry. When I got off the phone, I took an extra couple of minutes to calm myself and walk back into Aiden’s room, the mask of composure.
What happened next actually is kind of funny in a ridiculous way. To this day, we do laugh about it.
When I walked back into Aiden’s room, I asked him to take me to hospital. His response wasn’t exactly what you would expect… He told me he had to “take a quick shit first.”
Okay, I’ll roll with this. Let him do his business and then we’ll head to the hospital, no problem! So I calmly got dressed and waited. And waited. And waited. Forty minutes later he came back into the room and asked me how long we’d be at the hospital for and if he could take a shower. At this point I just stared at him. I mean, really?!
He got the hint. No shower. Off to the hospital we go! When we arrived at the ED, I was quickly sent to the fast track section, which Aiden kept pointing out was the ‘it’s all in your head’ section. I swear he just jokes a lot, he’s not actually that much of an asshole… However, on this day, it did get on my nerves. I was sent to that section because I had been in the ED a couple of months before for a similar reason. Basically they just needed to make sure I wasn’t dying of stroke or heart attack, and send me on my way.
Here’s the weird part. As I lay there, getting bloods taken, strapped up to an ECG machine and a blood pressure monitor, I wasn’t thinking of myself at all. I was doing what I was told by going to hospital, but I wasn’t really thinking about me. I was thinking about Aiden. I was worrying, stressing, that I was ruining his day off to relax. The ENTIRE time. That’s insane isn’t it? I’m lying there getting tests done on my heart to check for any abnormalities causing this sudden crushing pain, and I was thinking about him.
I was overwhelmed, and I could see him getting agitated as the time passed. That’s not normal for him, he’s normally so patient and supportive. So that really worried me, and I HATED that I was aggravating his stress.
And then the moment came. The doctor came back and said my blood test to check for heart attack had come back normal. He explained that occasionally that could happen and that sometimes it doesn’t show until some time had passed, and asked if I wanted to test again just in case, in the unlikely event, I was having a heart attack. In my overwhelmed and anxious state, I missed the part about it being unlikely and really didn’t know exactly what he was asking. I was also mostly focused on Aiden as he stood in the corner and looked at the ground. He was pissed off at the situation before I had even answered. I said yes to the blood test anyway, for my own peace of mind. And you know what, he would have done exactly the same if it was his health on the line. I looked to him for help before I answered but he was looking at the ground, thinking about himself. So I made the decision that I knew he would if the roles were reversed.
After the doctor left, I asked Aiden if he was angry, and he said no (bullshit answer.) He then said the one comment that snapped something in me. He said “I do think the 2nd blood test is overkill though.”
… … … … REALLY?!
And that was the moment. I’m VERY patient, I rarely go off at anyone. But in that moment, I did the only thing I could do. I told him to “fuck off.” I told him to fuck off and that I’d call my mum to come get me, and then asked him how much I owed him for parking because I wanted to owe him nothing for that day. I was furious, I was hurt, and I was profoundly changed. I realised in that moment that I was putting the wrong person first.
The funny thing is, Aiden is the one who has been trying to drill into me for years that I need to put my needs before anyone else’s. That no one would look out for me like I could. He’d been trying to instill that in me, and he was the one who’s actions forced me to put that into practice. Since then, I put myself first, and I realise now that it’s not actually selfish to do that… It’s imperative.
As soon as he left the hospital I cried, and the whole next day I continued. A dam had broken. I barely spoke to Aiden for 2 days after, and when I did talk to him I told him he would never ever treat me that way again. That I wouldn’t be forgiving the next time, and that if the roles had been reversed, the situation would have played out VERY differently. I refused to tell him the conclusion of my hospital visit. If he’d really cared to know, he would have been there. He’d lost that right, and I made sure he knew that. From that moment on, I went to every doctors visit and test alone. I became my rock.
That moment changed him too. He realised how his work had been affecting him, and that his actions and emotions were now hurting me too. So he quickly got his act together, and he has been insanely supportive and patient ever since. He’s shown nothing but pure unconditional love for me, and stuck by me through a hell of a lot! But while I have forgiven, I will never forget that day. That he went to the pub while I laid in the ED crying because I’d had to tell him to fuck off when I needed him the most. I’m going to be honest, that memory haunts me. If I need to go to the ED again, I’ll be going alone.
No one should ever be treated that way in that situation. Chronic illness, no matter how invisible, is valid and not only demands attention, but deserves it. But I do have to say that I am eternally thankful for that moment, because it did change me for the better. It awoke a fight in me that has pushed me through this health journey.
Self care isn’t selfish. Putting your needs first isn’t selfish. You can care for others too, but no one can care for you or fight for you like you can.
Aiden and I both made mistakes that day… We both put him first.